


Mystery Droid Theatre

by Sailor Bluestar (sailorbluestar)



Series: What If [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Gen, sassy droids all around
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-07-28 22:46:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7659865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailorbluestar/pseuds/Sailor%20Bluestar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>BB-8 was bored one day and decided to scan for communications in the outer-most reaches of space.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Mystery Science Theatre: Droid style. Don't expect seriousness. I prefer light-hearted nonsense. The focus will be droid bantering, but I expect that the organics in their lives will make a cameo or two.

BB-8 was bored. It was tired of watching Friend-Poe watch the Jacket-Thief-Finn and Droid-Savior-Rey. Friend-Poe was determined to show the two everything they'd missed out on. Droid-Savior-Rey had returned a few days ago with Jedi-Master-Skywalker, Friend-Chewbacca, and Hero-R2-D2. Upon Hero-R2-D2's return, it and Tactless-C-3PO had returned to their bickering banter. BB-8 liked to stick around whenever it happens, but it didn't feel like searching out the two droids right now. Sometimes, BB-8 felt like there was a barrier between those two and the rest of the base's droids.

BB-8 wandered the halls, trying to think up what sort of thing it could do to alleviate the boredom. It peeked into the command center. There wasn't much going on right now. All the organics were busy getting ready to move the base to a new location they had already picked out. BB-8 considered for a moment. Since they were moving, it wouldn't hurt to monitor any non-priority spacial transmissions right? BB-8 rolled over to an access port. It plugged itself in and set scanners that weren't being used to point away from the Core. Friend-Poe had informed BB-8 that the Unknown Regions was there that the First Order rose from, perhaps it could find something interesting out there. If the First Order was smart, they would have moved, just like BB-8's organics were moving. BB-8 doubted that the First Order would broadcast anything so blatant. But then again, they did blatantly destroy Hosnian Prime.

BB-8 patiently worked the scanners. It was a little while before a scanner picked up a faint blip of something far out there, outside of known space. BB-8 maneuvered the other scanners to try and better pick up that little blip. It discretely transferred more power to them to give them a boost to better pick it up. It didn't look like a First Order transmission, and it didn't look like a New Republic transmission either. All BB-8 knew was that it was a transmission of sorts, it just didn't know who or where it was from. It was strange. It was unencrypted.

_[Perhaps it is from strangers from a galaxy far, far away,]_ BB-8 thought whimsically to itself. _[Just like the stories that Friend-Poe likes to tell everyone.]_

BB-8 noted the relative coordinates of the transmission to D'Qar, and started to download the transmission to an unused drive on its system. It was better to be safe, than sorry as Friend-Jessika always said. BB-8 monitored the download, making sure that it would be able to view and understand its contents without harm to itself. There seemed to be a lot of it. It was going to take a while to download it all, but there seemed to be some repetition with minor revisions, along with a great deal of comments regarding those revisions. BB-8 managed to download a good portion of what it had found before Friend-Poe found it.

"There you are Bee," Friend-Poe said. "What are you doing in here?"

[Monitoring for any unsecured transmissions Friend-Poe,] BB-8 replied.

"Well, we're flying escort tomorrow little Buddy, so time for bed," Friend-Poe announced.

BB-8 chirped an affirmative and disconnected from the access port and rolled out the door, its pilot following.

* * *

Later, when BB-8 had more time to itself to review the contents of what it had downloaded, they had already settled into the new base. It settled into a corner, out of the way of any organics and carefully went through the transmission. It was strange. A lot of it seemed to be history that Princess-General-Organa had lived through, though, there were information regarding events prior to the rise of the Empire as well. There were even a smaller section regarding recent events. BB-8 grew concerned. Were they being spied upon? Is there a bigger threat out there than the First Order?

BB-8 decided it needed help to parse through all this information. If there was a threat out there, it would need to tell Friend-Poe about it, but BB-8 wanted to know for certain first. It went looking for the one it trusted to know what to do in this situation.

It went looking for Hero-R2-D2.

* * *

BB-8 found Hero-R2-D2 being nattered at by Tactless-C-3PO.

[Hero-R2-D2, I need your help,] BB-8 beeped.

[What do you want Pint-Sized?] Hero-R2-D2 asked.

"Now R2, there's no need to be rude," Tactless-C-3PO chided.

[I found a transmission coming from beyond Known Space. In it was _our galaxy's_ documented history,] BB-8 explained.

"Oh dear, we're doomed!" Tactless-C-3PO exclaimed.

[Idiot,] Hero-R2-D2 huffed. [History does not mean we are under attack. The stubborn organics will want proof that this is a viable threat that they need to be concerned of, besides the threat of the stupid First Order. Show me what you've got.]

BB-8 searched through the transmission for one of the vid files that everything seemed to be centered around. It projected for the three of them to watch. Hero-R2-D2 and Tactless-C-3PO were silent for once as they watched as words appeared. No, not words, a logo of some sort, followed by another one. What followed was a some strange text, which BB-8 was unaware of what language it was. And then, another logo appeared, before fading to some distance and then more text scrolling by. There was a musical accompaniment to everything as the text went away and the camera that recorded everything seemed to have panned down towards a view of a planet and the sudden appearance of an Imperial Star Destroyer. BB-8 made sure the tone down its volume so no one else could listen in before it was ready to tell anyone else.

Hero-R2-D2 and Tactless-C-3PO watched in silence as what looked like copies of themselves appeared before the camera, wandering the halls of some ship as sirens blared within the vid.

"That looks like me," Tactless-C-3PO exclaimed. "And that looks like you R2. And that sounds like me too! I don't remember cameras where this shot would have been taken. What in the world is going on?"

They continued to watch until the moment Darth Vader entered within the camera's view.

[Shut it off, I've seen enough,] Hero-R2-D2 said, strangely subdued.

BB-8 stopped the recording, waiting for Hero-R2-D2's verdict.

[What else did you find Hot-Shot?] Hero-R2-D2 asked.

[There are several more vids, roughly the same size at this one,] BB-8 beeped. [And there seems to be a lot written, but in a language I am unfamiliar with. The markings look similar to what was shown in the beginning of the vid.]

Hero-R2-D2 hummed, [Judging from what was spoken by the Idiot-Copy, it sounded like Galactic Basic. If we are to present this to the meatbags, we'll need to find a way to translate that language. We should review the footage as well.]

"It will be very difficult. I have searched my data banks for any reference to the text and have found nothing," Tactless-C-3PO said.

[Where did this transmission originate, perhaps we can find some references to help us,] Hero-R2-D2 decided.

BB-8 told them the coordinates relative to D'Qar and together, the three of them went over to an access port. Hero-R2-D2 decided to be the one to access the scanners. There were tricks it had picked up, so it insisted to be the one to do it. BB-8 and Tactless-C-3PO waited as Hero-R2-D2 searched.

[Found it,] Hero-R2-D2 said confidently. [It seems that there is a world where the transmissions originated from. Not very space-worthy, but they sent out a bunch of satellites that I can bounce from to get to the source. Such amateurish designs. Idiot meatbags. There seems to be multiple languages too...aha! They have some sort of language program, designed to help understand each other, or to even translate from one language to the next. It has an audio function, we'll use that to create our own written translation.]

BB-8 whirled happily, glad to see Hero-R2-D2 in action.

[Done,] Hero-R2-D2 announced. It put the translator onto the base's mainframe for BB-8 and Tactless-C-3PO to access.

BB-8 quickly looked at the text to see if it could understand what was written. It worked! BB-8 paused in its perusal of the text. In the more recent texts, why was Friend-Poe mentioned so many times? Sometimes Jacket-Thief-Finn would be mentioned, or Droid-Savior-Rey, or both of them would be mentioned with Friend-Poe. And the descriptions that were being written out, it looked a lot like how one might describe mating. BB-8 beeped in distress.

* * *

"Uh, Poe," Finn said, walking up to Poe, who was sitting on the grass, watching Rey spar with Luke.

"Yeah Buddy?" Poe asked as Finn sat down.

"I just saw BB-8 talking to R2-D2 and C-3PO, is that a good thing?" Finn asked.

Poe bit his lip, considering, "Well, Bee does hero-worship R2, but I wouldn't worry about it. I doubt they'll get into too much trouble."

 

To be continued...


	2. Episode 4: A New Hope

BB-8 met up with Hero-R2-D2 and Tactless-C-3PO late at night. They didn't want to be disturbed as they went through the files BB-8 downloaded.

[What should we focus on first?] BB-8 asked.

[The vids first,] Hero-R2-D2 replied. [Our organics respond better to visuals than text.]

[Which vid should we go over first? And in what order?] BB-8 inquired. [Apparently there is a debate from the originating source on the order and versioning. Some prefer to order it by date made, others preferred a different order, as labeled by titles. As to the versioning, some prefer the original versions to the later ones.]

[It seems that the most vocal and critical comments recommend the order as Episode 4, 5, 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, and so on,] Hero-R2-D2 considered. [As to the versioning, there is a high preference of the fan compilations, specifically the fan despecialization of the later versions of 4, 5, 6, and something labeled as anti-cheese versions for 1, 2, 3. Apparently, these fan specializations make the vids more tolerable. These meatbags are most curious creatures.]

"This is so fascinating," Tactless-C-3PO said excitedly. "This means we have _fans_. If we could establish communications with them, I will have so much to tell them. All the things that have happened to us, from our perspective."

[You are our secret weapon,] Hero-R2-D2 warbled. [Everyone runs at the sight of you.]

"Oh shut up you walking trash can," Tactless-C-3PO said, hitting Hero-R2-D2's dome. "This is so exciting. It's like discovering new life for the first time."

[That's why it's called 'new' life, idiot.] Hero-R2-D2 beeped grumpily.

[So we should watch them as suggested?] BB-8 asked.

[Well, if it makes things more tolerable. We could use more tolerable if the idiot over here is in them,] Hero-R2-D2 stated.

BB-8 loaded up the despecialized version of Episode 4: A New Hope and projected it for them to watch.

* * *

"Thank the Maker, I am so glad to have that text translator," Tactless-C-3PO commented. "There are so many words scrolling by."

[The music is nice,] BB-8 added.

[Space battles do not sound like that,] Hero-R2-D2 grumped. [Ill-informed hacks.]

"Oh my, that looks like the Princess!" Tactless-C-3PO said. "Just like how she was almost 35 years ago."

[That's certainly her hairstyle,] Hero-R2-D2 quipped.

[Was that really what happened back then?] BB-8 asked.

"Well, the parts that had us in it was fairly accurate," Tactless-C-3PO said. "But it's hard to tell with all the other parts. I'm sure the Princess would be able to tell us."

[The whining from the idiot was certainly accurate,] Hero-R2-D2 muttered.

"Oh, I remember walking that desert. It was horrible. The sand got everywhere," Tactless-C-3PO stated. "But the local transport was nice enough to pick me up."

[Oh, is that a restraining bolt?] BB-8 asked. [That looks horrible.]

[It is Pint-Sized, very constricting,] Hero-R2-D2 said, sagely.

[Is it just me or does Master-Jedi-Skywalker sound like a brat there?] BB-8 asked.

[He was a brat,] Hero-R2-D2 informed BB-8. [Luckily he outgrew that phase.]

Then they got to the part where R2-D2 partially showed Luke the holo recording of Leia.

[That sounded like Master-Jedi-Skywalker wanted to mate with Princess-General-Organa,] BB-8 beeped, confused. [I thought they were Collection-Family. Organic mating rituals are so strange.]

[The things you learn about organic mating behavior will shock you Pint-Sized,] Hero-R2-D2 remarked. [Organic mating rituals are so inefficient.]

"I can't believe how you manipulated me into getting your restraining bolt taken off, and then, you ran off," Tactless-C-3PO said, hitting Hero-R2-D2's dome again. "You caused Master-Luke so much trouble."

[It all worked out in the end, you worry too much you overgrown rust bucket,] Hero-R2-D2 replied.

"That was only due to the help of Master-Kenobi," Tactless-C-3PO protested.

[It was the will of the Force,] Hero-R2-D2 intoned solemnly.

"That's not how the Force works," Tactless-C-3PO stated. "At least, not that I have seen."

They watched in silence as Darth Vader used the Force to choke an uppity Imperial officer.

[Darth-Vader is really scary,] BB-8 murmured.

"You have no idea," Tactless-C-3PO said softly, when it was clear that Hero-R2-D2 would remain silent.

[Oh! An interrogation doid!] BB-8 squeaked.

"Nasty, vile things," Tactless-C-3PO said. "Thank the Maker that the Princess was strong enough to endure it."

They held their peace as they watched Luke return home to find it a smoking ruin.

[Jedi-Master-Kenobi is amazing,] BB-8 cooed as they watched Obi-Wan easily dispatch a couple ruffians in a cantina.

"I can't believe General-Solo would ask for so much," Tactless-C-3PO stated. "And I can't believe that Master-Kenobi would agree to it with 17,000 counter-offer. What was he thinking?"

[We needed off that hunk of rock and if he could deliver, Sassy-Kenobi would make sure he would get his money. He was friends with Bail Organa after all, they had...history,] Hero-R2-D2 corrected.

They watched Luke practice with the lightsaber on the Millennium Falcon.

[Jedi-Master-Skywalker wasn't very good with the lightsaber in the beginning, was he?] BB-8 beeped, amused. [I hope he got better.]

[Much better,] Hero-R2-D2 affirmed.

They said nothing as they watched Alderaan be destroyed.

[Imperial bastards,] Hero-R2-D2 muttered. [Fucking stupid, lying, heartless Bastard-Tarkin!]

[History together?] BB-8 asked Tactless-C-3PO.

"I believe the Grand-Moff-Tarkin tried to have a Jedi R2 knew killed," Tactless-C-3PO said. "Not to mention that my records regarding his actions during the Clone Wars were rather, cold. Many protested against some of his plans."

They watched as the Millennium Falcon was tracker beamed in and searched.

[Did you really hide in the floor of Garbage-Will-Do-Millennium-Falcon?] BB-8 queried.

"Oh yes, very cramped, but it hid us well," Tactless-C-3PO stated.

[I can't believe they dressed up like stormtroopers,] BB-8 remarked. [And I can't believe General-Solo was manipulated again with more money.]

[Nerf-Herder-Han is, was, gullible like that,] Hero-R2-D2 said mournfully.

[Looks like he wasn't much for thinking up excuses under pressure,] BB-8 noted as they watched Han try to make his excuses into the communicator in the detention area.

[Some things never changed,] Hero-R2-D2 mused.

BB-8 twirled a little, chirping rapidly, amused. [Princess-General-Organa remarked on how short Jedi-Master-Skywalker is as a stormtrooper.]

[Stop moving Pint-Sized, you're forgetting you are the one projecting this,] Hero-R2-D2 beeped rudely. [You're ruining the show.]

[Sorry,] BB-8 beeped, stilling immediately.

[Good, don't do it again,] Hero-R2-D2 demanded. [Even if he is short.]

[I think Friend-Poe and Jacket-Thief-Finn would like this part. From the way Friend-Poe tells it, it's almost identical to how Jacket-Thief-Finn rescued Friend-Poe,] BB-8 commented.

[Ha! Should we start calling your pilot Princess-Poe and the ex-stormtrooper Aren't-You-A-Little-Short-To-Be-A-Stormtrooper-Finn?] Hero-R2-D2 mused.

"Wouldn't that be too long as a designation?" Tactless-C-3PO asked. "It's not entirely appropriate either. If you were going to use that designation, it would've been better assigned to Master-Luke, since he's the one it was originally assigned to."

[Friend-Poe does have a strange fascination to fixing his hair all the time,] BB-8 mused thoughtfully.

_Elsewhere on the base, Poe noticed a strand of hair sticking out and quickly tucked it back into place._

[Those stormtroopers are really bad shots,] BB-8 commented as they saw the firefight in the detention area.

[I wonder if that ex-stormtrooper is any better,] Hero-R2-D2 mused aloud.

They watched as Leia took charge and created an escape route for them, [Princess-General-Organa is amazing.]

"Well of course she is," Tactless-C-3PO said. "Why, I remember-"

[Not now, you scattered bucket of rusty circuits,] Hero-R2-D2 mercifully interrupted.

They watched as they fell into the trash compactor.

[I bet Jacket-Thief-Finn would know how to get out of there,] BB-8 commented. [I overheard Friend-Chewbacca mutter something about sanitation trooper in regards to Jacket-Thief-Finn.]

[Hah! That's one for the history records,] Hero-R2-D2 mused. [System-Destroyer-Starkiller-Base, taken down by a sanitation stormtrooper.]

[I think when Jacket-Thief-Finn finally learns Binary, I need to ask if there are creatures that live in trash compactors,] BB-8 said and made a note to itself. [And how to deal with those things if they do exist.]

"It will probably be a good idea to have him teach everyone," Tactless-C-3PO recommended. "Who knows when that information will be useful. In fact, one time-"

[Shut up!] Hero-R2-D2 snapped, firing off a string of curses that were difficult to understand.

"Fine then," Tactless-C-3PO huffed.

[Um, did that stormtrooper hit their head on the door?] BB-8 asked. [I guess they can make them too tall too.]

[I still can't believe how you forgot about the communicator,] Hero-R2-D2 grumbled. [Idiot.]

[And you saved them!] BB-8 beeped excitedly. [They were going to be flattened and you saved them!]

[Of course,] Hero-R2-D2 stated. [It's what I do.]

[General-Solo is either brave or foolish, charging into that group of stormtroopers,] BB-8 commented.

[Foolish is a very apt description for Nerf-Herder-Han,] Hero-R2-D2 replied. [Fortunately, he was smart enough to turn around and run away before he was killed.]

[Why doesn't Jedi-Master-Skywalker use the Force? He doesn't seem to be shooting at the stormtroopers very well,] BB-8 complained.

[Oh, that's outrageous,] Hero-R2-D2 protested as Luke and Leia swung across the expanse. [There's no way that itty-bitty width of wire could hold them both. It'd snap. Not to mention the trajectory is all wrong. There's not enough momentum for them to reach the other side!]

They watched in awe as Obi-Wan fought against Darth Vader.

[Noooooo!] BB-8 cried out, echoing Luke's scream in the vid. [Not Obi-Wan!]

[He did what he had to do,] Hero-R2-D2 said sadly. [He died so that we had a chance to fight again another day. He died a true Jedi.]

"What I want to know is where his body went," Tactless-C-3PO remarked. "No body, organic or metallic, simply disappears into thin air. Was it only his body? Is he naked somewhere? If he isn't, then why didn't he take his robe and lightsaber with him?"

[Sassy-Kenobi has a history of discarding cloaks, so that doesn't surprise me much,] Hero-R2-D2 replied. [I have no theories about the lightsaber however.]

They watched as the group ran into the Millennium Falcon and flew from the hanger.

[Princess-General-Organa is much stronger than Jedi-Master-Skywalker,] BB-8 remarked. [She saw her entire planet destroyed and she's still keeping together better than him. He's deeply mourning an old man he just met.]

[Clinging to attachments looks to be a strong trait in the male-side of the Skywalker family,] Hero-R2-D2 said. [His father suffered from the same ailment.]

[Being attached is not a bad thing. I like my pilot after all,] BB-8 pointed out. [I would be sad too if something bad happened to Friend-Poe.]

[But you've been with your pilot for years. The same couldn't be said for Idiot-Skywalker here,] Hero-R2-D2 reminded.

[You saved them again,] BB-8 chirped as they watched the on-screen R2-D2 extinguish an electrical fire on the Millennium Falcon.

[Naturally,] Hero-R2-D2 beeped. [These organics are helpless without me.]

They watched as the last of the TIEs were blown up.

[This reminds me of when Droid-Savior-Rey and Jacket-Thief-Finn flew off of Jakku in Garbage-Will-Do-Millennium-Falcon. We had to fight off TIE fighters as well.] BB-8 remembered. [Jacket-Thief-Finn's actions then really reminded me of this. He and Jedi-Master-Skywalker acted so similar in such similar situations.]

[Maybe the ex-stormtrooper's his kid,] Hero-R2-D2 suggested. [The whole "it's in your blood" nonsense these meatbags like to spout on and on about.]

Tactless-C-3PO protested, "The chances of Master-Finn being Master-Luke's biological child is-"

[Don't tell me the odds Golden-Rod,] Hero-R2-D2 snarked. [It's pointless to speculate when Jedi are involved.]

They watched the conversation between Han and Leia in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon.

[I'm surprised General-Solo and Princess-General-Organa got together to have a child together if this is how they start the mating ritual,] BB-8 commented.

[Nerf-Herder-Han is a nerf-herder, big surprise there,] Hero-R2-D2 drawled.

They watched the conversation between Han and Luke soon after Leia had left the cockpit.

[Why is Jedi-Master-Skywalker fighting with General-Solo over mating rights to Princess-General-Organa? They are Collection-Family right?] BB-8 asked, still confused about it all. [I thought Collection-Family members do not mate each other.]

"They generally don't," Tactless-C-3PO informed BB-8. "Though, there are some worlds where the royal family is encouraged to seek mates amongst their own family members, like distant cousins."

[Why?] BB-8 asked.

"According to cultural references of these worlds, there is some superstitious desire to keep the royal family line pure and untainted by undesirables," Tactless-C-3PO explained. "Some species' genetic makeup allow for such things without developing anomalies. However, the humanoid species that both the Princess and Master-Luke belong to are not so fortunate. There has been studies that shows genetic degradation if family members choose to mate and create offspring."

[Weirdos,] Hero-R2-D2 commented.

BB-8 chirped in agreement.

They continued to watch in silence as the group made their way to Yavin with the Death Star following behind them, readying their attack upon the rebel base.

[I still think all the pew pew sound effects in a space battle is stupid,] Hero-R2-D2 mocked. [And where are they keeping those cameras? They should've been shot down already.]

[Yay! General-Solo came back!] BB-8 chirped. [He saved Jedi-Master-Skywalker from Darth-Vader! He is a good man after all.]

[Still a nerf herder in my databanks,] Hero-R2-D2 said.

[Ooooo, how pretty,] BB-8 remarked as the Death Star blew up.

[That's not how explosions work in space!] Hero-R2-D2 muttered. [Who edited this footage?]

They watched the medal ceremony.

[Why did they show only General-Solo and Jedi-Master-Skywalker receiving medals? Other people were involved in the battle. Friend-Chewbacca was standing up there with them and he didn't receive a medal!] BB-8 protested, outraged.

"Very strange indeed, I remember the event a little differently than that," Tactless-C-3PO remarked.

The screen went dark and text started to appear.

[Written and directed by...] BB-8 stated. [What does this mean?]

[It looks like this is one of those recreational holovids, meant more for entertainment purposes than educational,] Hero-R2-D2 mused. [They often have these things called credits at the end to denote the creators of the holovid and all who took part in its creation. I suppose we can rule out surveillance as the source of these vids.]

"But it was so real, many of the details are so accurate," Tactless-C-3PO pointed out. "How could they have known?"

[Maybe it was the Force?] BB-8 suggested.

[Are you suggesting that this...organic...is force sensitive? That he got our history through a vision of some sort,] Hero-R2-D2 asked.

[Yes?]

Hero-R2-D2 sighed, [I guess that's...possible. Doubtful, but possible. It's the only explanation we have.]

[Are we going to watch the others?] BB-8 asked.

[We have to make sure how accurate these vids are,] Hero-R2-D2 stated firmly.

[I wonder if we can ask Jedi-Master-Skywalker if it is possible for someone in a galaxy far, far away to be force sensitive and receive visions of our galaxy's history.] BB-8 mused.

[He will question why you wish to know,] Hero-R2-D2 warned. [That, or respond in some vague way that will leave you with more questions than answers. Typical Jedi.]

"We should leave it for tomorrow, we'll have a busy day ahead of us and we all need to recharge," Tactless-C-3PO stated, walking away.

[Tomorrow, I'll be the one to project it. You're too...restless,] Hero-R2-D2 said. [Upload those vids to the mainframe where the translator is stored. I'll download it before we meet up.]

 

To be continued...


End file.
